ISLAM & THE SEVEN STAGES OF GRIEF
Bismillah.
Previously, there were five stages of grief generally accepted amongst psychologists as:
1. SHOCK, 2. DENIAL, 3. ANGER, 4. BARGAINING, 5. ACCEPTANCE/HOPE.
Recently, some people have extended this to seven stages by adding GUILT & DEPRESSION after ANGER. But it varies from person to person: these are not necessarily linear stages: they may be cyclical or iterative. Hence, the 7 stages of grief are:
1. SHOCK, 2. DENIAL, 3. ANGER, 4. GUILT, 5. DEPRESSION, 6. BARGAINING, 7. ACCEPTANCE/HOPE.
0. GRIEF
0.1 THE PROPHET MUHAMMAD’S YEAR OF GRIEF AND SORROW
The Prophet, peace be upon him, experienced his “year of grief or sorrow” (عام الحزن, ‘Ām al Huzn) during his tenth year of prophethood, ie 3 years before the Hijra, when his only wife Khadija, his stalwart support for 25 years, died, followed closely by his uncle, Abu Talib, his tribal protector as chief of his clan, the Banu Hashim.
(I’m grateful to the Christian priest, whose name I’ve forgotten, who attended our Qur’an discussion circles c. 2013-14 and wished to co-write with me a Christian-Muslim guide to grief, since he had read about the Prophet’s “Year of Grief.” I didn’t have the time or capacity to work on it at the time, but he gave me an idea that has come to fruition today, God-willing.)
0.2 PROPHET YA’QUB BIN ISHAQ BIN IBRAHIM, aka ISRA’IL (JACOB BEN ISAAC BEN ABRAHAM, aka ISRAEL)
In the Surah named after his 11th son, Prophet Yusuf (Joseph), grief is prominent in the “best of stories.”
قال إني ليحزنني أن تذهبوا به وأخاف أن يأكله الذئب وأنتم عنه غافلون
(Yusuf, Joseph, 12:13)
When his elder 10 sons ask for his permission to take Joseph for a day out, Jacob combines grief (for the past) with fear (of the future):
“It grieves me that you take him away (from me), and I fear that the wolf will devour him whilst ye are heedless of him.”
When his sons lie to him, saying that the wolf had indeed eaten Joseph, Jacob sees through their lies and resigns himself to “beautiful patience” (صبر جميل).
Later, when his first 10 sons manage to come home without the 12th son Binyamin (Benjamin) as well, Jacob expresses extreme sorrow for Joseph, reiterates his commitment to “beautiful patience” and goes blind from grief:
وتولّى عنهم وقال ياأسفى على يوسف وابيضت عيناه من الحزن فهو كظيم
(Yusuf, Joseph, 12:84)
Although Ibn Kathir quotes the commentator Dahhak as explaining kazeem here to mean ka’eeb: intense grief and broken in spirit, i.e. depressed, the vast majority of commentators agree that Prophet Jacob displayed beautiful patience and did not complain to anyone except God, restraining his sorrow and grief. Others amongst the Salaf said that he waited eighty years to see his beloved son Joseph, for whom his grief equalled that of seventy bereaved parents, but he “was never pessimistic about God.” (Tafsir Tabari)
1. SHOCK
1.1 UMAR BIN AL-KHATTAB: SHOCK, DENIAL, ANGER, ACCEPTANCE
Our Master Umar was in shock, denial and anger upon the news of the Prophet’s death, threatening to kill anyone who said that the Prophet was dead, until Our Master Abu Bakr said the famous words:
“Whoever worshiped Muhammad, he should know that Muhammad has died. Whoever worships God, he should know that God is The Ever-Living, Who Will Never Die.”
Abu Bakr also recited from Surah Āl Imran (The Family of Amram), the verses confirming that Muhammad was mortal and speaking of the possibility of his death, for every soul has a predestined moment of death, praising those who show gratitude. Umar commented: “It was as though I had never heard these verses before!” He rapidly reached the stage or station of Acceptance.
وما محمد إلا رسول، قد خلت من قبله الرسل، أفائن مات أو قتل انقلبتم على أعقابكم، ومن ينقلب على عقبيه فلن يضرّ الله شيئا، وسيجزي الله الشاكرين
وما كان لنفس أن تموت إلا بإذن الله كتابا مؤجلا، ومن يرد ثواب الدنيا نؤته منها، ومن يرد ثواب الآخرة نؤته منها، وسنجزي الشاكرين
Āl Imran, The Family of Amram, 3:144-5)
3. ANGER
3.1 KHALID BIN WALEED
Our Master Khalid bin Waleed, the Sword of God, was overcome by grief on his deathbed when he realised he wouldn’t be granted martyrdom on the battlefield (because no human’s sword could defeat the Sword of God). He was especially frustrated at knowing how many people are cowards. Khalid’s last words were:
“I have a wound on every inch of my body, but I’m dying like an aging camel. May the eyes of cowards never (find rest in) sleep!”
ASIDE:
Khalid bin Waleed’s extraordinary life and military genius and career deserve to be immortalised in an epic poem in English. I have written opening and closing stanzas for such a poem. I pray that I or someone else is able to complete it:
OPENING STANZA: THE TALE OF KHALID BIN WALEED
If your eyes do weep and your heart does bleed
At the state of the Muslim nation,
Then remember the tale of Khalid bin Waleed:
It is enough as inspiration.
[…]
CLOSING STANZA: KHALID BIN WALEED’S LAST WORDS
“I’m dying like a camel
(Or like an aging sheep):
May the eyes of cowards
Never rest in sleep!”
TRIVIUM: THE KHALID BIN WALEED PARK IN PESHAWAR, PAKISTAN
This park goes by its Urdu/Farsi name: Khalid bin Waleed Bagh. The locals are Pathan (Pashtun), and so pronounce it somewhat Farsi style, as follows, making the ‘a’ sound like ‘o’: Kholid bin Woleed Bagh. British Empire troops stationed in Peshawar heard it pronounced like this, switched the syllables around and nicknamed the park, the “Colly-Wolly Bean Bag.”
3.2 TRUE PATIENCE IS ONLY AT THE FIRST BLOW
Anas bin Malik narrated that the Prophet, may God bless him and grant him peace, passed by a woman who was weeping at a graveside, mourning a child she had lost. The Prophet said, “Fear God, and have patience.” She replied, not recognising him, “Get away from me, for you have not been afflicted by my affliction!” She was told that it was the Prophet who had spoken to her, so she came to his door and, finding no doorkeepers, said to him, “I did not recognise you.” He replied, “(True) Patience is only at the first blow.” (Bukhari & Muslim)
TRIVIUM: The Arabic for “blow” here is sadmah, root SDM. The name Saddam is derived from this as an intensive form, thus meaning, “One who delivers crushing blows.”
4. GUILT: JOSEPH’S BROTHERS
The 10 elder brothers of Prophet Yusuf (Joseph) had feelings of grief at the perceived favouritism of their father towards Yusuf. This manifested in Anger when some of them suggested killing him. Others felt guilty about this and suggested throwing him into a well, which is what they did. They must have had some feelings of guilt around this, and around lying to their father about Yusuf being eaten by a wolf. After many years, once they were reunited with Yusuf and his magnanimity, they went through the stages of Bargaining and Acceptance/Hope, admitting their mistakes to both Yusuf and their father Ya’qub. (Yusuf, Joseph, 12:91 & 12:97)
7. ACCEPTANCE/HOPE: NO FEAR, NO GRIEF
The Prophet, may God bless him and grant him peace, endured his Year of Grief with immense patience and acceptance. This is the way of “living in the moment” as “children of the moment in time” (abna’ al-waqt) without fear (of the future) or grief (for the past), the way of the “Friends of God” or saints. The phrase, “There will be no fear upon them, nor will they grieve,” occurs repeatedly in the Qur’an for the People of the Garden in the Hereafter. However, it applies to certain, select people in this world also:
أَلَآ إِنَّ أَوْلِيَآءَ ٱللَّهِ لَا خَوْفٌ عَلَيْهِمْ وَلَا هُمْ يَحْزَنُونَ
ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ وَكَانُوا۟ يَتَّقُونَ
Lo! Truly, the Friends of God:
There is no fear upon them,
Nor do they grieve:
Those who have achieved faith (inner security)
And were always saving themselves (taqwa).
(Yunus, Jonah, 10:62-63)
In Imam al-Qushayri’s Treatise on Tasawwuf (Sufism), the first topic he discusses after brief biographies of early Sufis is that of Time (Waqt), where he says that “the Sufi is the son of his time,” i.e. that he lives in the moment. Shaykh Hamza Yusuf linked this to the above Qur’anic verse during a conversation in Abu Dhabi, 2022.
It is narrated from the Prophet, may God bless him and grant him peace, that this applies to people in this world “who did not fear when the people had fear, and did not grieve when people grieved.” They will be surrounded by Light in the Hereafter, and made to sit upon pulpits of Light: even the Prophets and the Martyr-Witnesses will be amazed by their station. (Tafsir Tabari, #17,730 & #17,731)
Usama Hasan
London, UK
8th Jumada al-Thani 1447
28th November 2025
UNITY 